


Not big enough

by peacepen



Series: Vienna [2]
Category: Little Women (1994), Little Women (2017), Little Women (2018), Little Women (2019), Little Women Series - Louisa May Alcott
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Do Not Wear Your Binder For More Than Eight Hours Without Breaks, Exhaustion, M/M, Men at Baffling Odds With Their Feelings, No beta we die like Beth, One single reference to suicide, Personal Assistant Jo March, Proffessor Bhaer's Cable Salad, Stress, Trans Jo March, Transgender, Uhm, Unsafe Binder Use, trans author, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29880603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacepen/pseuds/peacepen
Summary: Even with midterms and project due dates approaching, he would just have to soldier on. He would get through it and he could never, ever ask for an extension. Or visit tutoring. The thought was awful, and humiliating. And so much worse than just failing.Unfortunately, his exhaustion was beginning to show. It felt like his skin was just… gone. The outer layer that protected him, kept all of his overwhelming feelings from boiling over, had burned away after too many hours without decent sleep. He lumbered from room to room with his nerves exposed to the world, red and raw.
Relationships: Friedrich Bhaer & Josephine March, Friedrich Bhaer/Josephine March
Series: Vienna [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196915
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. It beats on my brain

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Title from 'Glow' from Dave Malloy's Octet. 
> 
> This is a fic, it’s not meant to be realistic. Don’t date your boss, especially a Professor who is like 16 years older than you. At least wait until you graduate, okay? This is purely fic. And I promise you no person will ever be as good as fic Bhaer, so they will not be worth it. 
> 
> This fic is now complete with 3 chapters.

As much as Jo hated to admit it, the professor had been right. Jo was having a terribly difficult semester, and he signed himself up for it. He fought tooth and nail to get it, really. But as the occasional late night became part of his daily routine, along with his coursework and his novel, doubt crept in. Doubt about the job, doubt about his identity, doubt about his career, doubt about life in general. It was an awful contradiction - to exist as such a loud and confident person, with these thoughts inside. 

Even with midterms and project due dates approaching, he would just have to soldier on. He would get through it and he could never, ever ask for an extension. Or visit tutoring. The thought was awful, and humiliating. And so much worse than just failing. 

Unfortunately, his exhaustion was beginning to show. It felt like his skin was just… gone. The outer layer that protected him, kept all of his overwhelming feelings from boiling over, had burned away after too many hours without decent sleep. He lumbered from room to room with his nerves exposed to the world, red and raw. 

All because he set up his own overwhelming schedule. If he wasn’t in his own classrooms, he was assisting in Bhaer’s. Or running errands for him. Or doing homework. His gen eds left him with precious little time to work on his manuscript. It wasn’t even a true passion project anymore, as he was using it as an assignment for a fiction writing workshop. 

The novel, too, was becoming an object of increasing frustration. It felt wrong, and he wanted to give it better. But as it stood, the words that didn’t quite mean what Jo was saying were all he had to give. 

It must’ve been easy for Bhaer to see the pent up exhaustion on Jo when he walked into the office that afternoon. 

The professor stared at Jo as he walked to the desk and sat without a word. Well, he didn’t say a word, but he certainly huffed. A frustrated sigh with a hint of a groan. Then, he reached to the right of the desk where the professor’s bag typically sat. It was routine, he picked up the leather bag and dug through it to find the day’s work. Defying the routine, his fingers found nothing. He leaned over the side of the chair and realized nothing was there. Murmuring to himself, underneath his breath, he said:   
‘Great. Now I’ve got to find it, no better than Amy, I swear, and she’s a baby. Old as dirt and can’t put shit away…’ 

He stood with another aggravated huff and turned back towards the door, prepping to scan the room, when he first registered Bhaer’s presence. 

He barely had the energy to feel bad for saying that outloud. 

‘I didn’t know you were here.’ He said, plainly and without guilt. 

‘If you’re looking for my bag, it’s right here.’ Bhear said, turning his side out to show the messenger bag slung over his shoulder. ‘I was going to suggest that we do today’s work at the café.’   
‘And you’re no longer suggesting it?’ Jo raised an eyebrow. 

‘Well, I wouldn’t want to bother you.’ 

Jo huffed and rubbed at his eyes with his palms, pressing so hard it left little spots in his vision. He didn’t want to go out, not really. It would be too distracting, and he wouldn’t get home until much later than normal. He’d promised Beth to call. But a coffee did sound good. He sighed, dropping his hands to his side. He didn’t open his eyes. 

‘I’ll just work here. But could you get me a coffee? Please?’ 

Bhaer nodded. The air in the office was too warm, too stiff. It was quiet enough that he could hear Bhaer’s shoes causing the cheap, university carpeting to bristle. 

‘Your usual?’ He asked. 

It was Jo’s turn to nod. 

It wasn’t until Bhaer had left the space that Jo released a breath and opened his eyes. Back to the work. 

The desk chair wasn’t usually this uncomfortable. Jo readjusted himself, and squirmed, but couldn’t find the right groove. There just wasn’t a position that would make him feel any less exhausted. Eventually, the most agreeable position was revealed to be slumped over, with his head against the desk. He wouldn’t stay there for long, just enough time to soothe the muscles in his back and rest his eyes. 

He thought about folding his jacket beneath his head, but decided it wasn’t worth it. This was good enough, in fact it was so good compared to how he’d sat at attention all day, it was amazing. He didn’t want to disturb that. This was cozy. 

Maybe if he weren’t so tired, he would’ve known that it was senseless to indulge in a little rest and expect his body to wake itself up. By the time Bhaer returned to the office, coffee in hand, Jo was sound asleep - with a puddle of drool forming next to his cheek.


	2. Right here, next to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jo wakes up, proceeds to confuse and concern the professor, as he does. 
> 
> Sometimes I worry that Jo may be too aggressive or OOC here, so I'm sorry about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TWs for this chapter, I think.

Bhaer entered the office quietly, as a habit. Typically if Jo had become frustrated, he’d dive into work and the professor found it best not to disturb him until things had become less tense. He was grateful for this, when he saw his assistant conked out in front of the computer. Strangely, the sight brought a smile to his face. Gave him cause for a light chuckle. 

Jo was always a very animated and active force.  _ I’ve never seen him sit still for this long,  _ Bhaer joked to himself. Quietly, he took a seat on the recliner in the far corner of the room and pulled out a book. There was no reason to disturb Jo now, the work could wait. And he’d picked up a wonderfully informative book on antiracism in the classroom that he didn’t really want to put down. Sure, his students would wait an extra day or two on grades. But this was a self care project that would benefit them all in the long run. 

Jo, having gained some much needed sleep, would be much easier to work with. And Bhaer would be a bit less strained as well. It felt good to devote time to literature that connected him to being an  _ actual person _ , instead of a paper grading machine. 

After an hour of reading, Jo still hadn’t stirred and Fritz was beginning to feel exhaustion set in as well. He dog eared his page and cuddled into the old, emerald colored velvet fabric of the recliner. He’d never quite reached sleep, only moments of light dozing. With the lights off in the office, it was easy for his mind to drift, allowing his thoughts to run free. He considered his interactions with Jo, and what he could do to...ease them along. 

He could imagine that Jo’s work with him was quite straining at times, but the boy had  _ begged _ for it.  _ Many of us bite off more than we can chew, he’s no different.  _ But he couldn’t just let Jo go, he couldn’t do anything close to firing him. It would be an insult to him, and he always seemed rather prideful. Plus, he was a rather good assistant. And good for conversation. There had to be a solution where Jo could continue his work - just in a more digestible way. 

He opened his phone to the calendar app that Jo had set him up on. It was a team planner or something, so they could both post on it. The professor simply entered his class times, he didn’t care much for planning anything else, but the calendar was packed with events from Jo. Jo’s events were a burgundy color and split almost everyday into many tiny chunks. Consistently, Bhaer saw ‘ _ Revise Fiction Writing AGAIN’  _ and  _ ‘Meet with Lomason’.  _ He clicked on those events, searching through the details. 

Jo had never communicated to him that he was struggling with writing. He’d never asked to have a fresh pair of eyes review something. In fact, Jo  _ never  _ asked him for help. It made the professor feel a little terrible, as Jo helped him so much. He knew Professor Lomason, occasionally they traded lesson plans over coffee. He knew what Lomason expected from fiction work, so it was odd to him that Jo had never considered it. 

A few grumbles emerged from the desk area, letting Bhaer know that Jo was awake. He quickly closed the calendar app, feeling like he had somehow invaded Jo’s privacy, and turned on the nearby lamp. The floor lamp, tall with a carved wooden base, took the room from complete darkness to a comfortable low light. Nothing too strenuous for just opened eyes. 

“Jesus christ, my fucking  _ bones!”  _ Jo groaned. He often complained about his bones, despite the fact that they were so young. Aches seemed to plague him as long days continued. 

He said nothing for a moment, allowing Jo to get situated on his own. Then he figured it would be a little weird to sit silent and still in a mostly dark room, so he spoke. 

“Do you feel better?” 

Jo turned to him, unconsciously poking at his chest. “Uhm, yeah… You let me sleep?” 

Bhaer nodded. “You’ve been out for about two hours, possibly more depending on when you began sleeping. You were asleep when I came back with your coffee.” 

His assistant turned bright red, now rubbing at the back of his neck. 

“Shit, I’m sorry. That... that was fucking rude, you should’ve woken me up. I don’t want to keep you here this long - seriously, what time is it?!” 

“There’s no reason to work yourself into a tizzy,” He replied, addressing Jo’s quick speaking and distressed tone. “But it’s nearly 1:30 now.” 

“1:30 AM?!” Jo balked. 

“Yes, I don’t think a two hour nap would stretch all the way into the next afternoon. Do you?” 

Jo resisted the urge to give a snarky reply. He seemed like he considered the nap a bad thing, but the Professor’s response something even worse.    
  


“You’re not supposed to just let me sleep, you’re not paying me to sleep.” He crossed his arms. 

“You seemed tired. And I recognize that that is partially my fault. So this was the least I could do.” Bhaer shrugged, then gestured to the book on the small table sitting next to the recliner. “Besides, I had a book to read.” 

“You’re letting me off too easy. Where’s the guy that freaks out on students for late work, hm?” 

“I  _ do not  _ ‘freak out’ on anyone,” he stood, now feeling the need to defend himself.  _ Why? What was so wrong here?  _

“Especially when they’re swamped with other coursework. I know Professor Lomason on a somewhat personal level, you know. I can pull in a favor, or at least help you to edit.” 

That was clearly a step in the wrong direction. Jo gave a shocked expression for only a moment, before pulling his sharp features into a stubborn face. The bullheaded look he put on for their bigger disagreements. 

“I don’t need your pity!” 

“It’s not a pity. I’m just trying to hel-”    


Jo cut him off.  “Have I ever done something that looked like asking for help to you? Because I assure you, I am _not_ weak, and I can handle this shit on my own. The point here is that you’re not letting me do _my job because you don’t think I’m capable!”_ As his volume escalated to a yell, Jo clutched again at his chest. He wheezed, giving the professor more cause for concern. 

“I feel like employing you is hindering your education. And I want to make that up to you, without losing you here. That is why I am offering these things to you. I’ve never gotten the impression that you are anything other than strong willed. Although, I am concerned for your physical health at this moment.” 

“It’s nothing.” 

“Not nothing. Do you need to go to the doctor’s? There’s an emergency room on campus.” 

“I’m not sick.” Jo heaved, sitting himself back down on the desk chair to catch his breath. He’d worked himself up to the point where tears were sitting in his eyes. Just on the brink of spilling over to leave trails down his red face. 

“I just need to go to the bathroom, and take a breather.” 

“Alright.” 

Jo pushed himself off of the desk chair, waving away Bhaer’s attempt to guide him to the restroom. 

He slammed the door behind him, leaving Bhaer to wonder yet again what he had done wrong. 


	3. You've seen it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to stretch this out into a separate fic, so sorry if this feels rushed! But i kind of liked it this way. 
> 
> CW for trans masc character experiencing pain from their binder, then having to take it off in front of someone, and one reference to suicide. More detailed in the notes at the end, but it has spoilers!

Inside the bathroom, Jo forced himself to look in the mirror. He’d made it a point to avoid meeting his own gaze recently, but he had to take in this sight. He looked terrible. The bags under his eyes were pronounced, his face was red, his hair was messy from the nap. And he’d just flipped out in front of his boss, again. Who was now concerned that he had a breathing problem. Maybe he thought it was just asthma. 

Jo had been wearing his binder for far too long. He usually tried to do the smart thing, only wearing it when he had to, and taking it off midday for breaks. But this week had hit him hard. Stress led to a big enough spiral in his mental health that he wasn’t catching any breaks from dysphoria, and couldn’t bear to leave his chest unbound at all. He’d planned to at least take a break in the office, but he’d fallen asleep instead. The uncomfortable position led to aches in his back, shoulders and neck as well. 

_ Just… fucking great.  _

At least it had been a good nap. He didn’t remember any dreams, and that was usually for the best. Too many nightmares wrecked the little sleep he got recently. 

He pulled off his sweater, then the button up underneath it. Finally, he was cleared to get rid of his binder for just a minute. He dug his fingers into the side, but found it didn’t budge.  _ Fuck. _ This never happened, he hadn’t had a problem taking it off before. He knew some people couldn’t do it on their own, but he had always been fine. He panicked as he tugged the fabric and wriggled his body, trying to push the thing off. 

In the midst of all of his wriggling and turning in an attempt to get some leverage, he tripped on the little metal garbage can sitting in the corner. Stupid thing came down with him, creating a ringing, metallic thud as it crashed to the tile. 

“Are you alright in there?” 

Jo weighed his options. He could say yes and continue on his own, but he was starting to get really fucking scared. The binder wouldn’t come off, and he really needed to get a decent breath. 

He could ask the professor to phone a friend, except he had none. His roommate was alright, but he doubted she would run to his rescue at 1:30 in the morning. 

That left him with the professor. The professor coming in, seeing his binder, pulling it off, seeing his chest _.  _

“God hates me.” Jo proclaimed. 

“What? Do you need help?” The voice was closer to the door this time. 

Jo sighed, spreading his legs out on the floor to gain some stability and comfort. 

“Yeah, just… come in. But don’t look, alright?” 

“Alright.” 

The bathroom door creaked open. The professor was true to his word, facing the room with his eyes screwed shut. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, quietly. He sounded kind, rather than...interrogating. Jo appreciated that. 

“I need...Look. I have something like a sports bra on, it flattens my tits.” They’d never spoken directly about Jo being trans, but he was pre-everything, so the professor definitely knew. Everyone knew. “And normally it’s fine but it won’t come off right now. And I need you to help me get it off.” 

“Okay.” The professor moved in closer, eyes still closed. 

“Don’t look at me, or say anything about it, or I swear to god I’m quitting and leaving this school and going back home and probably killing myself.” The professor’s expression soured. He spoke carefully again, in juxtaposition to Jo’s breathy, rushed and anxious tone. 

“Please don’t say that. I’ll help.” 

Jo nodded, feeling sick inside. “Alright. I’m just… I’ll stand up, and you can open your eyes in just a second. And you just need to pull from the top and help me out of it.” 

“I can do that.” 

_ God,  _ he sounded so fucking  _ nice.  _ Jo wanted to crawl into that tender feeling and take another nap in the warm baritone voice. And knowing that he felt that way in this situation kind of made him wish he’d been hatecrimed instead. 

He stood slowly and turned his back to Bhaer, shrinking in on himself. 

“Alright, just fucking… You can look but don’t say shit, just pull it off.” 

Jo somehow felt the moment that Bhaer opened his eyes and took in the binder. He’d probably never even seen one before. But he quickly snuck his fingers underneath the snug straps at the shoulder and waited for Jo to say something. Probably had an eyebrow raised. 

“Yeah, that’s good. Just pull.” 

Bhaer did, and Jo shimmied with him until the binder was finally off. Blessedly off. He took in a deep breath and stood in the silence for a minute. Bhaer still said nothing. 

“You can just set it on the floor. I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Alright.” 

He heard the rustle of fabric, then the door closed. The professor had left. 

Jo pulled the sweater on, skipping the button down. This would be a bit more breathable. Then he sat on the floor for a while, slumped against the walls.  _ I just got naked in front of my boss.  _

_ Well, not  _ **_full_ ** _ naked. But naked enough. Naked in the soul.  _

He pulled out his phone and texted Beth. 

_ Someone was just really nice to me and idk how to feel.  _

She was asleep, of course. New York was far away, but it was still in the same time zone. And Beth was a good, smart little child who slept like a normal person. 

Jo picked up his crap and walked out of the bathroom. 

Professor Bhaer was sitting again in the recliner, body curled over his phone. The blue light illuminated his features in the dark. His intelligent eyes scanning whatever article he was reading, his large nose and his focused frown. His pupils were blown wide, reflecting a miniature of his device in his eyes. 

Jo cleared his throat. 

“Would you really want to read my fantasy work?” 

The professor was startled out of his reading and signified this with a “Hm? Oh, yes, sorry,” to show he was now paying attention. 

“Yes, of course. I do like reading student writing. It’s almost like that is my job.” 

He cracked a careful smile, and Jo returned a small one. “I’ll print it for you, and bring it by tomorrow.” 

“Oh, uhm, I’m afraid that won’t work.” 

Jo was confused for a moment before the professor continued. 

“You see, I’ve decided to take tomorrow off. I’ve got no classes on Sundays anyway, and I think that I shall sleep in late. And encourage my staff to do the same.” 

Jo huffed a little laugh. “Monday then?” 

“Of course.” 

He turned and left the office, somehow feeling a massive combination of light and warm and heavy and exhausted. He drifted from Bhaer’s office building to his own dorm, and was not able to identify any of his emotions before crashing into his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Jo wears his binder for too long as a result of overworking himself and falling asleep. He's unable to get the binder off by himself and has to ask Bhaer for help. Although Bhaer is very kind and helpful, this is a stressful situation for Jo and he 'jokes' that if Bhaer talks about the event he will commit suicide. I say 'jokes' because it's a statement rooted in a lot of pain, and probably not really a joke.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos keep me alive, and make the writing machine go brrr much faster. I'm always accepting prompts, please for the love of god if you like my work send me prompts im so lonely. 
> 
> My tumblr: @transjohnadams


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